It’s been a crazy year to say the least. From my lack of posts it probably feels like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth, but I assure you that I’m still here. My year has pretty much just revolved around this tiny little person who at the moment is rolling around at my feet, determined to make as much noise as possible today. She certainly makes every day interesting. I don’t even remember what it was like to have a newborn, only that no one was getting any sleep in the early days.
She changes every day and every time I think I’ve got her figured out, she changes it up. It’s pretty amazing how fast she changes and grows, and it’s amazing that only a few short months ago she was just a helpless thing that just ate and cried and (sometimes) slept, but now she’s a real little person. She has likes and dislikes, preferences for things, loves to explore the world and is getting more mobile by the minute. I can see some of my and her father’s personality in her. She’s like me in that she wants to be involved with everything and doesn’t want to miss out. She is grumpy when she is initially woken up, but her personality shines through once you give her a bit of time. She takes time to warm up to people but once she does she is warm and happy. She loves to observe the world around her. She’s like Mr Cookie Loves Milk in that she is endlessly curious and analytical. When she studies things she does it with such concentration and intensity. She doesn’t fall asleep or stay asleep easily. She knows what she wants and gets it, including anything with lots of buttons and things to play with (Playstation controller, keyboards, remote controls). Then there are things that she does that are just her own. She can’t sit still and needs to always be moving. She is strong willed, determined and very vocal and she lets you know when she doesn’t like something. She bounces back quickly. She is independent and tries to do things on her own and doesn’t always want to be held, but sometimes that’s what she needs.
She’s a beautiful little person who fills me with so much love and so much frustration, usually in the span of only a few seconds. The great thing though is that she and I are both learning about each other and the world. It’s been a crazily steep learning curve. As she changes I will have to adapt as well, something I haven’t always been very good at. I like predictability and stability, neither of which I have at the moment with her. She is teaching me to be more flexible and to go with the flow. She and I are much happier doing things a step at a time instead of trying to fit a mould. She is definitely not a textbook baby, but I am a textbook kind of person.
So at the moment I have been very preoccupied with her, to the point that I don’t even remember myself anymore. I haven’t worked since March. I haven’t slept a proper night through since I went on maternity leave. Some days I feel like I can’t get anything done. I have been more obsessed with sleep (or the lack thereof) than anything in my life so far. At the start of my leave I was so naive. I thought that I would be bored, but I just don’t have the time for anything. I thought I would be able to achieve so much, learn so many new skills, do online courses, bake, cook, clean, draw, paint, create, read, exercise… So much for that! I’m lucky if some days I’m able to shower, eat, and maintain my sanity. I’m definitely not alone though. There are so many blogs and articles that I’ve read this year (because I really just can’t commit to anything that takes me more that 5 minutes to read at a time) that describe my situation perfectly. I never understood what it was to be a parent before actually being one.
My (currently childless) brother was asking me for advice about parenting and honestly most days I still feel like I’m in way over my head. I didn’t want to scare him about all the challenges that I’ve faced, but I also didn’t want to sugar coat it for him the way people did with me. It made me feel unprepared for the reality of it all. I know every child is different and my little girl could be easier but it could also be harder. I just think that no one has it all figured out and that every day is full of new challenges and wonders. It’s cliche, but it’s easier to be flexible and just go with the flow, taking it one day (or even one minute) at a time.
I waste a lot of time and energy worrying about things that may or may not happen. It’s an ongoing project for me, trying not to worry and to just deal with things as they come up, but it’s also something I’m looking forward to in all the years to come in the parenting journey. I’m slowly learning that no one has it all figured out and we can only do our best to not screw up our children. I’m definitely not perfect, but neither is anyone else and that’s okay.
So I didn’t achieve anywhere near what I had wanted to over the last year with my silly goals and resolutions, but I have become a stronger and more capable person within myself. I have also managed to keep our daughter alive and well for the last 8 months (with a lot of help and support from my husband and family and friends) and that in itself is a pretty amazing achievement! I’m looking forward to seeing what 2015 brings for our little family.