So every year I make a list of things I want to achieve and at the end of every year I feel like I have very little to actually show for it. I’m beginning to think that I am either very unmotivated (sometimes true), I am easily distracted (also sometimes true), I split my focus too much (I can never seem to finish what I start), I have unrealistic expectations, or I’m focussing on the wrong goals because I’m stuck in the mindset. I’m thinking it’s a little bit of everything, but mostly the last one. I’m not focussed on the right things. I’m stuck in the mindset of trying to do too much and be too big and change too fast. I’m too focussed on achievement rather than just enjoying the ride. That’s what life is, one big continuous journey. That’s the key of what I’ve been missing in these resolutions. I’m too stuck on feeling like I need to achieve great things, when I just need to be who I am and recognise that life is made up of the little things that are pretty special too.
So what do I have in store for 2015?
I did actually take a photo a day last year (mostly) but it was pretty much all of my darling daughter. I’m still hung up on the photo a day concept, but I’m finding it too arduous and it’s clogging up this site. I’m finding myself posting for the sake of posting instead of actually considering what I’m taking photos of and thinking it through. I’m not happy with a lot of the photos and they’re frankly pretty boring, even for me and I took them! So I’m going to simplify. I’ll only post up what I’m happy with and actually want to post. I’ll still take photos every day, but I want to be more careful and considerate of what it is I’m doing. I don’t want to just be filling a quota and just dumping everything on here. There are so many last minute and thoughtless photos on here and I’m definitely not happy with and this year I just want to do things that make me and my family happy. I should also probably get back into it and take photos of something other than my daughter, as cute as she is!
Read More Books
I did okay with this one last year, but only because I was obsessed with all things baby especially sleep. I still feel like I spend too much time online reading small and easy to digest articles instead of proper books. I feel like I’m getting dumber with each passing year, and part of that is that I don’t read as much stuff with substance. I’m just getting little bits and pieces of everything. I also still have a terrible habit of starting heaps of books and never finishing them, so maybe I’ll try to finish what I start, including the dozens of books I’ve started by never finished. Part of reading more is unplugging, getting off my laptop, getting off the internet, and definitely kicking my damaging Pinterest addiction. I suppose what I really want to do is to simplify a little and focus rather than dividing all my thoughts over many different snippets.
I know I say this every year but it’s an ongoing project. After being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and forcing myself to waddle around more to keep my blood glucose in check, I now don’t have a lot of motivation to get out there again. It was a tough recovery, which meant I wasn’t as mobile as I probably should have been and add to the fact that some days I’m still in a lot of pain, it’s hard to do any exercise just for myself. The most I do nowadays is going for walks with the little one and lifting the pram in and out of the car. I did go on a couple of runs last year, but nowhere near what I was doing prior to getting pregnant. My core strength is also currently non-existent!
Be In the Moment
I spend too much time going over what happened in the past that can’t be changed, and worrying about what is probably never going to happen in the future. It makes me unable to enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. I don’t want to be burdened by all these things that may or may not happen. Instead I want to be a part of what’s happening right now and to be completely available for my daughter and any future children that I might have. Sometimes I worry too much about the destination rather than the journey. It’s so cliche, but true in my case. If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that there is no endpoint. Everything is just fluid and always changing. I worry too much about the future and it makes me so anxious. Every time I feel like I’ve figured something out, it changes, so I need to learn to be adaptable and flexible and just go with the flow. Part of this is also just appreciating what is in front of me at the time. I want to enjoy music more and stop splitting my attention. Maybe I should also learn to do one thing at a time and simplify rather than trying to cram more and more things into my day. Time is precious, but I think I could spend it better by slowing down rather than speeding up and becoming overstimulated. I could probably learn a lot from my baby and making things simple. Being around her reveals a lot of truths about myself and the way I choose, or have previously chosen, to spend my time and energy.
One of the greatest insecurities is fearing that people won’t like and accept me. It’s silly and I have no idea why I am crippled by these thoughts, but it makes me less honest. It makes me not speak up and to hide what I’m really thinking in case I offend someone or that they judge me. This has never been more relevant now that I’m a parent. I want to be a person that my children can look up to and be proud of. I want them to know that it’s okay to be yourself and that it’s not important if you fit into a mould or if people like you or not. I don’t want to be burdened by expectations or worry so much about what other people think, who let’s face it, whose opinions don’t really matter. If people don’t like me for who I am, then they don’t have to be around me and vice versa. I also don’t want to keep taking so many things to heart. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so why waste energy getting upset when I don’t agree with them?
Finish What I’ve Started
I’m terrible at starting projects and never finishing them. It’s like the 10 books sitting next to my bed that I’ve half read but haven’t had the motivation to finish, or the thousands of tabs I have open in my browser that I’ve been meaning to read but haven’t gotten around it yet (yes my husband says that I have terrible tab addiction). Actually, I’m not sure if it’s lack of motivation or that I just have a short attention span or that I’m afraid to let go of anything and just hold on forever. It’s probably a combination of all these things and more. It probably doesn’t matter what the reason is. It makes me feel burdened though and this year I want to feel lighter within my own head. I know I have a heap of things I want to do but I think it’s time to get serious about finishing them or giving it away.
On a side note, I did finish my baby blanket (even though the baby I made it for is now almost 3!) and it only has on mistake in it. When I finished it, I was so proud that I felt like making another one. The husband kindly and sensibly said no to that idea!
Focus On My Family
This is the big one this year. Everything else comes second. I want to be a good mum and a good partner, neither of which I am right now, but I feel I have the potential to be. It’s probably like wanting to be happy though. It’s very difficult to define such an abstract concept as ‘good’ or ‘happy’ because the goalposts are constantly moving. I suppose what I’m looking at is to strive to improve and change and be flexible with my approach. I want to change the things I’m unhappy with, like my impatience, my tendency to bottle things up, my terrible habit of shutting down when I’m stressed… The list goes on. I suppose what I want to achieve with this is that I need to stop letting the little things get to me and focus on the big picture. My priority is my family at the moment. That’s my big picture and with everything else I just need to take a deep breath and take a step back.
There is so much more that I want to do an achieve, but I don’t know if I have the time or motivation to do it all. Baby steps.