A Personal Truth

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I’ve been neglecting this blog for a while now, particularly my Project 365. I’ve barely taken half the photos I’ve been meaning to and there are more fillers than there are photos. Not a very good start to the year. There are a billion different excuses I could give. I’m so busy with life, I’ve got other commitments, I’m not talented and can’t find inspiration, there are other distractions, work has been busy, I want to focus on other things…

The truth and the reason why I make excuses for in life for not finishing anything is simple. I’m lazy. And I guess a little scared. And I don’t prioritise the things that I claim to be important. But mostly because I’m lazy.

If I really wanted to finish something, I could. I’m a pretty stubborn person and if I set my mind to achieving something, I can and I would. However, I’m an excuse maker. For everything in life I have an excuse and justification for not doing it, not achieving goals. It’s because I don’t prioritise these so called important things. Is it because I’m afraid of trying and failing? Probably a big part of it, but mostly because I’m lazy and lack the self motivation.

When I come home from work, I have plenty of time, but I always feel like I don’t.¬†Realistically I have a few hours every night to do all the things I should be doing, exercising, cooking, reading, hobbies. I choose to waste that time though, watching TV, surfing the net, doing all those time-wasting brain-deadening things until it’s time for sleep. I justify it by saying that I need down time, it’s been a tough and tiring day, I’m too tired to do anything. Again, all just excuses that stop me from growing.

I look back on the last few years, even all the way back to high school, and I don’t really feel like I’ve come very far. All the things I’ve learned, I’ve forgotten (hello complicated maths and organic chemistry). It’s not to say that I haven’t changed. I have changed, but probably not as much as I would have hoped or expected. Progress is slow. I’ve lost sight of what I want to be when I grow up.

I’m not sure what’s spurred this on. Maybe because I’m fast approaching 30 and am just beginning to realise that I’ve wasted my 20s. I think it’s also because I’ve signed up for an online art course and realised that I haven’t drawn or written anything substantial in 8 years. That’s a long time to leave behind what I used to love. I didn’t think it had been that long, but that’s where we are now.

My point is, progress is slow. I want to speed it up. I want to be a better person who doesn’t make excuses for everything and dives in with both feet. The husband said it best, that with every big and small decision I make, I’m always sitting on the fence, too scared to go all in, but not wanting to stay out of the loop completely. I always have one foot out the door because the simple truth is I’m scared of the unknown. I’m so indecisive that I always doubt the decisions that I make, never really sticking to my choices. So I should stop hiding behind excuses and be all in or all out. That all starts by stopping the lazy cycle.

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