Turning 30

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I turned 30 two days ago. It was a great day, which I spent with family. We got a few hours to ourselves to watch an entire movie from start to finish and enjoy the completely overpriced luxury of gold class. Best of all my darling daughter gave us the best present of all. She slept for 6 whole hours, woke up for a feed, and then slept for another 5 hours. It was just amazing.

Now, I’m a logical person. I know that age is just a number, but for some inexplicable reason, birthdays and new years make me panic a little. It’s like an annual reminder to take stock of the past year and assess where life is going. What have I achieved? Is it where I thought I would be at this stage in life? What do I want for the future? None of these questions are bad, but for some reason it made me freak out a little bit.

I didn’t want to turn 30. I’m felt like I wasn’t anywhere near where I thought I would be. I have a good job that I like but I’m far from passionate about. It’s convenient for my lifestyle and the pay is reasonable for what it is and it suits a family life with rare overtime and no shift work. We managed to buy a house, which suits some of our needs but everyday we are discovering something not quite right with and now we are going to be in debt for a long long time. I married my best friend and we managed to make and keep alive our beautiful daughter for the last 8 months, yet there are times when it’s really hard. Marriage is sometimes easy and sometimes requires so much work. We struggled a lot with jobs, careers, money, mental health. Every single day I worry about how I’m not a good parent and that I’m just waiting for the moment when I manage to damage my dear daughter who will hate me for whatever I couldn’t provide for her. I feel like I haven’t got anything figured out yet. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I felt like in my 20s I should have been able to figure myself out and be patient and wonderful and stop being so lost and confused. I still feel like I have a long way to do to discovering and improving myself. I feel stuck.

I just feel like everyone else had achieved so much more than me. They travelled more, experienced more, enjoy more, lived more, are more. I know what I’m doing is comparing my ‘behind the scenes’ with everyone else’s ‘highlight reel’, yet I can’t seem to help myself. Logically I know this is the case, but I look at my own highlight reel and it just doesn’t seem to compare. I still feel like that scared teenager who couldn’t figure out what to do with life, who wasted opportunities because she was too scared or not smart enough or not determined enough, who is still so lost. I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all. For all the things that I have and have achieved, I still feel like I’m failing at life. I’m not even sure why I feel that way because I have so many wonderful and amazing people and things that some people would be envious of. Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired. I’m always afraid of missing out.

However, after my little freak out, I realise that there’s still plenty of life left to live and that these major milestones don’t mean anything. Throughout our lives we will continue to grow and change, even when we don’t want to or mean to. There’s still plenty of time to figure out my passions, to learn to be a good parent (whatever that is), to travel and experience new things. I don’t have as many friends as I did in high school or in my 20s, but the friends that I do have are simply amazing. They’re loyal and kind and understanding and thoughtful and love me for me. What’s really great though is that I have a wonderful partner and delightful daughter to experience those things with now. So what if I still haven’t figured out who I am and what I love. Those concepts aren’t stationary. They’re fluid and forever changing. I have so much more ahead of me to look forward to.

Looking Forward To 2015

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So every year I make a list of things I want to achieve and at the end of every year I feel like I have very little to actually show for it. I’m beginning to think that I am either very unmotivated (sometimes true), I am easily distracted (also sometimes true), I split my focus too much (I can never seem to finish what I start), I have unrealistic expectations, or I’m focussing on the wrong goals because I’m stuck in the mindset. I’m thinking it’s a little bit of everything, but mostly the last one. I’m not focussed on the right things. I’m stuck in the mindset of trying to do too much and be too big and change too fast. I’m too focussed on achievement rather than just enjoying the ride. That’s what life is, one big continuous journey. That’s the key of what I’ve been missing in these resolutions. I’m too stuck on feeling like I need to achieve great things, when I just need to be who I am and recognise that life is made up of the little things that are pretty special too.

So what do I have in store for 2015?

Photography

I did actually take a photo a day last year (mostly) but it was pretty much all of my darling daughter. I’m still hung up on the photo a day concept, but I’m finding it too arduous and it’s clogging up this site. I’m finding myself posting for the sake of posting instead of actually considering what I’m taking photos of and thinking it through. I’m not happy with a lot of the photos and they’re frankly pretty boring, even for me and I took them! So I’m going to simplify. I’ll only post up what I’m happy with and actually want to post. I’ll still take photos every day, but I want to be more careful and considerate of what it is I’m doing. I don’t want to just be filling a quota and just dumping everything on here. There are so many last minute and thoughtless photos on here and I’m definitely not happy with and this year I just want to do things that make me and my family happy. I should also probably get back into it and take photos of something other than my daughter, as cute as she is!

 

Read More Books

I did okay with this one last year, but only because I was obsessed with all things baby especially sleep. I still feel like I spend too much time online reading small and easy to digest articles instead of proper books. I feel like I’m getting dumber with each passing year, and part of that is that I don’t read as much stuff with substance. I’m just getting little bits and pieces of everything. I also still have a terrible habit of starting heaps of books and never finishing them, so maybe I’ll try to finish what I start, including the dozens of books I’ve started by never finished. Part of reading more is unplugging, getting off my laptop, getting off the internet, and definitely kicking my damaging Pinterest addiction. I suppose what I really want to do is to simplify a little and focus rather than dividing all my thoughts over many different snippets.

 

Exercise Consistently

I know I say this every year but it’s an ongoing project. After being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and forcing myself to waddle around more to keep my blood glucose in check, I now don’t have a lot of motivation to get out there again. It was a tough recovery, which meant I wasn’t as mobile as I probably should have been and add to the fact that some days I’m still in a lot of pain, it’s hard to do any exercise just for myself. The most I do nowadays is going for walks with the little one and lifting the pram in and out of the car. I did go on a couple of runs last year, but nowhere near what I was doing prior to getting pregnant. My core strength is also currently non-existent!

 

Be In the Moment

I spend too much time going over what happened in the past that can’t be changed, and worrying about what is probably never going to happen in the future. It makes me unable to enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. I don’t want to be burdened by all these things that may or may not happen. Instead I want to be a part of what’s happening right now and to be completely available for my daughter and any future children that I might have. Sometimes I worry too much about the destination rather than the journey. It’s so cliche, but true in my case. If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that there is no endpoint. Everything is just fluid and always changing. I worry too much about the future and it makes me so anxious. Every time I feel like I’ve figured something out, it changes, so I need to learn to be adaptable and flexible and just go with the flow. Part of this is also just appreciating what is in front of me at the time. I want to enjoy music more and stop splitting my attention. Maybe I should also learn to do one thing at a time and simplify rather than trying to cram more and more things into my day. Time is precious, but I think I could spend it better by slowing down rather than speeding up and becoming overstimulated. I could probably learn a lot from my baby and making things simple. Being around her reveals a lot of truths about myself and the way I choose, or have previously chosen, to spend my time and energy.

 

Be Myself

One of the greatest insecurities is fearing that people won’t like and accept me. It’s silly and I have no idea why I am crippled by these thoughts, but it makes me less honest. It makes me not speak up and to hide what I’m really thinking in case I offend someone or that they judge me. This has never been more relevant now that I’m a parent. I want to be a person that my children can look up to and be proud of. I want them to know that it’s okay to be yourself and that it’s not important if you fit into a mould or if people like you or not. I don’t want to be burdened by expectations or worry so much about what other people think, who let’s face it, whose opinions don’t really matter. If people don’t like me for who I am, then they don’t have to be around me and vice versa. I also don’t want to keep taking so many things to heart. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so why waste energy getting upset when I don’t agree with them?

 

Finish What I’ve Started

I’m terrible at starting projects and never finishing them. It’s like the 10 books sitting next to my bed that I’ve half read but haven’t had the motivation to finish, or the thousands of tabs I have open in my browser that I’ve been meaning to read but haven’t gotten around it yet (yes my husband says that I have terrible tab addiction). Actually, I’m not sure if it’s lack of motivation or that I just have a short attention span or that I’m afraid to let go of anything and just hold on forever. It’s probably a combination of all these things and more. It probably doesn’t matter what the reason is. It makes me feel burdened though and this year I want to feel lighter within my own head. I know I have a heap of things I want to do but I think it’s time to get serious about finishing them or giving it away.

On a side note, I did finish my baby blanket (even though the baby I made it for is now almost 3!) and it only has on mistake in it. When I finished it, I was so proud that I felt like making another one. The husband kindly and sensibly said no to that idea!

 

Focus On My Family

This is the big one this year. Everything else comes second. I want to be a good mum and a good partner, neither of which I am right now, but I feel I have the potential to be. It’s probably like wanting to be happy though. It’s very difficult to define such an abstract concept as ‘good’ or ‘happy’ because the goalposts are constantly moving. I suppose what I’m looking at is to strive to improve and change and be flexible with my approach. I want to change the things I’m unhappy with, like my impatience, my tendency to bottle things up, my terrible habit of shutting down when I’m stressed… The list goes on. I suppose what I want to achieve with this is that I need to stop letting the little things get to me and focus on the big picture. My priority is my family at the moment. That’s my big picture and with everything else I just need to take a deep breath and take a step back.

 

There is so much more that I want to do an achieve, but I don’t know if I have the time or motivation to do it all. Baby steps.

2014 Recap

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It’s been a crazy year to say the least. From my lack of posts it probably feels like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth, but I assure you that I’m still here. My year has pretty much just revolved around this tiny little person who at the moment is rolling around at my feet, determined to make as much noise as possible today. She certainly makes every day interesting. I don’t even remember what it was like to have a newborn, only that no one was getting any sleep in the early days.

She changes every day and every time I think I’ve got her figured out, she changes it up. It’s pretty amazing how fast she changes and grows, and it’s amazing that only a few short months ago she was just a helpless thing that just ate and cried and (sometimes) slept, but now she’s a real little person. She has likes and dislikes, preferences for things, loves to explore the world and is getting more mobile by the minute. I can see some of my and her father’s personality in her. She’s like me in that she wants to be involved with everything and doesn’t want to miss out. She is grumpy when she is initially woken up, but her personality shines through once you give her a bit of time. She takes time to warm up to people but once she does she is warm and happy. She loves to observe the world around her. She’s like Mr Cookie Loves Milk in that she is endlessly curious and analytical. When she studies things she does it with such concentration and intensity. She doesn’t fall asleep or stay asleep easily. She knows what she wants and gets it, including anything with lots of buttons and things to play with (Playstation controller, keyboards, remote controls). Then there are things that she does that are just her own. She can’t sit still and needs to always be moving. She is strong willed, determined and very vocal and she lets you know when she doesn’t like something. She bounces back quickly. She is independent and tries to do things on her own and doesn’t always want to be held, but sometimes that’s what she needs.

She’s a beautiful little person who fills me with so much love and so much frustration, usually in the span of only a few seconds. The great thing though is that she and I are both learning about each other and the world. It’s been a crazily steep learning curve. As she changes I will have to adapt as well, something I haven’t always been very good at. I like predictability and stability, neither of which I have at the moment with her. She is teaching me to be more flexible and to go with the flow. She and I are much happier doing things a step at a time instead of trying to fit a mould. She is definitely not a textbook baby, but I am a textbook kind of person.

So at the moment I have been very preoccupied with her, to the point that I don’t even remember myself anymore. I haven’t worked since March. I haven’t slept a proper night through since I went on maternity leave. Some days I feel like I can’t get anything done. I have been more obsessed with sleep (or the lack thereof) than anything in my life so far. At the start of my leave I was so naive. I thought that I would be bored, but I just don’t have the time for anything. I thought I would be able to achieve so much, learn so many new skills, do online courses, bake, cook, clean, draw, paint, create, read, exercise… So much for that! I’m lucky if some days I’m able to shower, eat, and maintain my sanity. I’m definitely not alone though. There are so many blogs and articles that I’ve read this year (because I really just can’t commit to anything that takes me more that 5 minutes to read at a time) that describe my situation perfectly. I never understood what it was to be a parent before actually being one.

My (currently childless) brother was asking me for advice about parenting and honestly most days I still feel like I’m in way over my head. I didn’t want to scare him about all the challenges that I’ve faced, but I also didn’t want to sugar coat it for him the way people did with me. It made me feel unprepared for the reality of it all. I know every child is different and my little girl could be easier but it could also be harder. I just think that no one has it all figured out and that every day is full of new challenges and wonders. It’s cliche, but it’s easier to be flexible and just go with the flow, taking it one day (or even one minute) at a time.

I waste a lot of time and energy worrying about things that may or may not happen. It’s an ongoing project for me, trying not to worry and to just deal with things as they come up, but it’s also something I’m looking forward to in all the years to come in the parenting journey. I’m slowly learning that no one has it all figured out and we can only do our best to not screw up our children. I’m definitely not perfect, but neither is anyone else and that’s okay.

So I didn’t achieve anywhere near what I had wanted to over the last year with my silly goals and resolutions, but I have become a stronger and more capable person within myself. I have also managed to keep our daughter alive and well for the last 8 months (with a lot of help and support from my husband and family and friends) and that in itself is a pretty amazing achievement! I’m looking forward to seeing what 2015 brings for our little family.

Coming Back

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Motherhood has been a very humbling experience for me. Before having Miss Cookie Loves Milk I had this picture of how I thought things would be based on the information I had at the time. I thought I would know what kind of parent I would be and the things I would and wouldn’t do. I almost laugh at some of the things I was thinking. Silly, ignorant woman. Reality was just a little different to the fantasy though and we just did whatever we could do to survive. I would love to say that I was a natural and that sleep deprivation didn’t affect me so intensely, but that would be a complete lie. The truth is those first few months were bloody hard. I thought I knew what hard would mean, but I had no idea what kind of crazy ride I was in for. I had no idea what I was doing and Miss Cookie Loves Milk was so far from a textbook baby that I felt like I was floundering.

Firstly the lie that all babies do is eat and sleep is probably what tripped me up. I saw other babies and thought that she would be the same, but I was wrong. From day one she was alert and aware and ready to be a part of the world. She’s like me, doesn’t like missing out. Unfortunately that meant that getting her to sleep was a nightmare. For the first few months she was feeding every two hours for between 15 to 30 minutes at a time, which is pretty normal. Luckily she quickly became much more efficient at feeding. That wasn’t the hard part though. The hard part was that it would take anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour to settle her back to sleep, which meant that at night I was only sleeping about 3o minutes to an hour at a time. In the beginning I was so exhausted that I would fall back asleep straight away, but after a while the anxiety from not getting enough sleep started creeping in and I wasn’t really sleeping at all. I was mentally calculating how much (or how little) sleep I was getting, not intentionally, but that’s just how much mind works, always adding and subtracting and analysing. I was constantly asking people, searching on Google for how to put my baby to sleep, reading every single baby sleep book I could get my hands on, when what I really needed to do was to just relax and go with the flow, and ask for help. I was obsessed with sleep, what little of it there was.

I thought I was prepared for the sleep deprivation, but I had no idea what tired actually was. I thought I knew, but it was nothing like what I actually experienced. I couldn’t remember anything, couldn’t hold a proper conversation, had to write down everything, forgot how to sign my own name and the PIN for my bank cards. For someone who people know as being organised and competent, I was anything but. It was a huge shock and I didn’t feel at all like myself. My mind felt like a huge tangled mess and the things that I usually did to clear my mind, I just couldn’t figure out how to do them anymore. I was scared to sit down with a big mug of milo because I was worried about my pre diabetes (oh yes, joy upon joys I have impaired glucose tolerance, which honestly I think the test is flawed as I did not sleep at all the night before which of course affects insulin levels, but more on that later). I couldn’t go for a run because I was still in so much pain from the surgery and I was also really paranoid about getting another infection. I couldn’t go for a swim because I was afraid of leaving her, and also still worried about getting another infection. I couldn’t read because I was too tired to concentrate. I didn’t want to watch TV or movies because I couldn’t follow the plots so I ended up watching very trashy reality TV because it didn’t require me to think. It was cold and rainy most days so getting out in the sun was almost impossible. Some of these were just excuses, but at the time they felt like real obstacles for me to not be able to relax. I worried that the moment I let my guard down that she would stop breathing or she would stop being okay. I see now that it was ridiculous, but at the time that’s the kind of mindset I was in. I was stuck in a cycle of worrying about not sleeping and actually not sleeping. I was just stuck because I had no idea what to do.

I was so anxious about everything during that time and because of the sleep deprivation, I wasn’t able to deal with it and it kept spiralling. For someone who had never had any health issues, I was suddenly crippled with having to take antibiotics and stressing about feeding her. It gave her (and me) terrible diarrhoea, but she didn’t understand what was happening, so we had to change to formula for 3 long weeks. Hats off to all those parents who have to prepare formula because for me breastfeeding was by far the easier option. It was there and ready to go instantly, no guessing and wasting if she wasn’t really hungry. So we were spending all this time soothing her hysterical cries as we made formula and I was expressing to keep my supply up because I was scared it was going to run out. I joked as I was tipping the expressed milk down the sink that it was poison milk, but that’s how I really saw it. It was so sad that I couldn’t give her what she wanted and needed from me. I was worried that it would affect our bond. I was worried about absolutely everything. She had terrible gas and abdominal pain, which I blamed myself for trying to feed her a few times when I was taking antibiotics, worried that I had wiped out all her natural gut flora. She cried hysterically so much in those first 3 months that it broke me. I started dreading when it started getting dark because I didn’t know how long it was going to take to settle her. Some nights it was over 6 hours of rocking, shushing, walking up and down the hall, bicycling her little legs, rubbing her poor tummy, giving her every colic mixture we could get (which also caused me anxiety because I didn’t know what the long term side effects could be).

Add to all that I couldn’t drive so I lost a lot of my independence and became a bit agoraphobic. I was worried about taking her out in public on my own as I had always gone with Mr Cookie Loves Milk or my parents. I was worried about being judged for being a bad parent if I couldn’t stop her from crying in public, worried about feeding in public, worried that she was intolerant to milk protein, worried that all the crying was because I was a bad parent and that everyone could see that I wasn’t fit to have her. I see now how ridiculous some of those things are, but that was my headspace. I didn’t feel maternal. I felt raw, like all my emotions were just bursting through my normally calm surface, yet I felt a bit empty inside as well. I was full of contradictions. I was a mess. But then when people would ask me how I was, I would just smile and say that I was fine, when I clearly wasn’t. I was probably in denial for a long time. I just thought it was the lack of sleep, but it was so much more than that. Even when my husband kept telling me everyone was worried about me, that I wasn’t myself, I kept brushing it off. This was just normal wasn’t it? Isn’t this what everyone talks about and experiences?

Hindsight is a funny thing. Looking back on that crazed time I have no idea why I wasn’t able to ask for more help. Mr Cookie Loves Milk and my parents and my in laws were all so amazing and wonderful and helped me so much when I couldn’t even help myself. They cooked and cleaned for me, took care of her while I had an afternoon nap, drove me to where I needed to go, were there for me when I didn’t want to be by myself. There are so many reasons why I couldn’t just let people help me. I was too proud, too tired, too confused. The truth is that I didn’t know what was going to help me and I couldn’t articulate to anyone what I was thinking. I was ashamed that I was a bad mother because I couldn’t do it all on my own. I just didn’t know where to start.

I didn’t think that I had depression. I’m not sure if I felt that I didn’t fit the criteria or if I was just so determined not to be that way. If anything I was very anxious, but that’s just a part of myself that I had come to accept. I didn’t feel like I ticked all the boxes though. They go through those checklists at the appointments with the maternal and child health nurse. I wasn’t suicidal, I didn’t think about harming my baby, I wasn’t crying everyday and unable to get out of bed. I was still doing all the things I needed to be doing, admittedly more like a robotic zombie than a person. I had a shorter fuse, I was more emotional, but I also had moments when things were okay and I could still smile and laugh and see the funny side of things. Like I said, I was full of contradictions and I didn’t feel like I had depression. I wasn’t in denial. I just knew I wasn’t the best version of myself during that time. Something wasn’t quite right. It was hard to have any insight.

Eventually after so much arguing, so many meltdowns, so much uncertainty, I started seeing a counsellor. I went to a PND support group. There were some really low times when I was so far from what I knew myself to be that I contemplated taking antidepressants, but I was too scared of not knowing how they would affect me. Was the anxiety worse than the side effects or would it be the other way around? I just thought all my problems would be solved once I got more sleep. The truth is, for me at least, what I needed was time. I needed to sort out my feelings and expectations. I needed some strategies that I got from counselling to deal with the anxiety and the emotions and get me through the rough patches. I needed people to just cut me some slack, and I needed to stop being so hard on myself. I needed time for Miss Cookie Loves Milk to sort herself out and I needed to trust that she would, which she is slowly doing.

It started getting easier (not easy mind you) around the 4 month mark. She was smiling and responding and the crying and sleeping were still issues, but nowhere near as bad as it had been. 5 months was when I really started enjoying it. The 6 month mark was a real turning point for me though. I felt like a fog had started lifting. I’m not saying that it’s all smooth sailing from here and that I’m going to just miraculously feel amazing all the time because that’s completely unrealistic. I just feel more like myself now, which I haven’t felt in a long time. In a few days she’ll be 7 months and memories of those early days are slowly dissipating. I still remember them in a logical kind of way, but not in an emotional way. I remember the steps and the day to day, but it’s no longer weighed down with heavy feelings. It’s hard to describe. I’m starting to look forward to the future again rather than just taking it day by day and surviving the day. I used to dread when she woke up, but now I actually enjoy it because I know that she’s okay. It’s okay that she doesn’t sleep because she wakes up so happy (most of the time). I no longer feel that irrational feeling that she’ll never sleep again, because I know she will. She won’t always do it when I want her to or when she needs to, but she will. Everything is temporary and it will pass. At the time it feels endless, like there’s no way out, but now I have learned that it does eventually stop.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this now. Maybe it’s because it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been able to see clearly and have any kind of insight into myself. I was going through the motions for a really long time and there’s so much that I feel like I’ve missed or can’t remember. I feel so sad for that lost time when I was stuck in this crazy fog. It’s hard to talk about but I don’t think enough people talk about it, the misalignment of expectations and the accompanying anxiety.

I’m starting to take note of all the little things she does and that wonderful feeling of contentment of just sitting with her, watching her grow and learn new skills, seeing how she interacts with my husband. I love these tiny little details. Details are amazing. I like being in the moment, which is something I’m usually so terrible at doing because I’m always on edge anticipating what’s happening next instead of just enjoying the moment. These little snippets pass so quickly and I worry that I miss so much because I’m either stuck in the past or future, worrying about things that actually don’t require my attention. I won’t ever get that time back.

I haven’t loved and enjoyed every single moment of parenthood. It’s such a ridiculous notion that I got hung up on, thinking that if I wasn’t enjoying it I wasn’t a good parent. It’s honestly bloody hard some days. I’m not built like other people where everything is manageable and rosy and lovely all the time, who can push through all the difficult times and only remember the amazing moments. That’s not how I’m wired and the more that I make peace with that, the easier it becomes for me to recognise that it’s okay to be that way. I’m always going to be an anxious person and I’m always going to worry that I’m stuffing everything up, but each moment is also an opportunity to learn, grow, fix mistakes and move on. I know I’m never going to be a perfect parent, if such a thing actually exists. All I can do is to just keep trying my best and making the best decisions at the time with the information I have at hand.

Hiatus

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It’s been a tough month and I’m very behind on my Project 365, for good reason as well. In fact for the last few weeks I just haven’t really taken any photos except of my new bundle of overdue joy. She didn’t want to come out, but we forced her out eventually. She’s happy and healthy and that’s all I could really ask for, coming out at a whopping 4.05kg (huge for someone as little as me).

Me on the other hand am slowly on the mend after nothing going to plan (not that I really had a plan), but it seemed like everything that I didn’t want ended up happening. I had to be induced because she was almost 2 weeks overdue, and after ‘failure to progress’ (horrible term by the way) I ended up with an emergency c-section. To top it all off, about 10 days after, I ended up with a very nasty infection that saw me back in hospital. The first two weeks of my little one’s life on the outside, I spent half of it feeling sorry for myself in hospital, and feeling a bit bitter about how indifferent some of the staff in the hospitals are. Don’t get me wrong, most of my care was absolutely fantastic, but having to endure the emergency department is an entirely different story. Thanks for the endless budget cuts to health you lousy government!

However, I’m back home and bouncing back and hopefully that will be the end of that. The point is that I really haven’t taken any photos for Project 365 over the last few weeks. I don’t even know what the themes are anymore. Hopefully when I’m settled down I’ll get back into it. For now, I’m just going to enjoy a bit of a break in my sleep deprived state and spend a bit of time just staring at my little (or not so little) one, and wondering what to do with myself. Everyone tells you how hard the first few weeks with a newborn are, but no one really tells you how to get through it! Special mention goes to the husband who has been so amazingly calm throughout the whole ordeal, helping me get around when I was in so much pain, and also caring for our daughter when I was in no condition to do so. I am forever grateful for his love and support, and thankful that we have a healthy little one despite all the drama.

Project 365 2014 – Day 114 – A Pop Of Colour

Day 24 - April Photo A Day - A Pop Of Colour

Day 24 – April Photo A Day – A Pop Of Colour

Still waiting and time’s up. Tomorrow is the new d-day, also known as induction day. I can tell this one is going to be stubborn because she just doesn’t want to come out. So I’m having one last cup of (caffeine free) tea in my favourite colourful mug before trying for an early night. I don’t know how much sleep I’ll actually get though. I’ve also been knitting the baby blanket I started so long ago, just to have something to keep me occupied so top myself from going crazy. Unfortunately I still haven’t finished it, even with all this extra time. Maybe for the next baby!

Project 365 2014 – Day 113 – Entrance

Day 23 - April Photo A Day - Entrance

Day 23 – April Photo A Day – Entrance

The entrance to our little one’s room, who we’ve named Blah Blah for the moment. We’ve got her name all picked out, but not revealing until she actually gets here to avoid anyone saying horrible things about it. Still waiting waiting waiting.

Project 365 2014 – Day 112 – Four Things

Day 22 - April Photo A Day - Four Things

Day 22 – April Photo A Day – Four Things

Four things I’m looking forward to eating when I’m no longer pregnant and no longer have gestational diabetes. Beautiful soft blue cheese, crappy instant noodles filled with carbs and MSG, carb laden pasta (or more specifically a giant bowl of spaghetti carbonara), and peanut butter Lindt chocolate balls. Just waiting waiting waiting.

Project 365 2014 – Day 111 – Close

Day 21 - April Photo A Day - Close

Day 21 – April Photo A Day – Close

Now officially a week overdue. I feel like I’m so close to going into labour, but obviously not quite there yet. I’m so big now. This baby just doesn’t want to come out. So close, yet so far. This has been the longest week of my life just waiting and waddling around.

Project 365 2014 – Day 110 – Egg

Day 20 - April Photo A Day - Egg

Day 20 – April Photo A Day – Egg

Thankfully even having gestational diabetes, I can still eat eggs. I love eggs. I’m annoyed that I can’t (well shouldn’t) eat them raw, so no runny yolks or poached goodness at the moment, but it’s still good. When I was about 5, I used to eat a boiled egg every morning for breakfast, and then sometimes have egg sandwiches for lunch and some form of egg for dinner. I got hives occasionally and the doctor said I should restrict my egg consumption to 2-3 a week (funnily enough diagnosed without a proper allergy test back then so I’m still not convinced it was correct). I was horrified! I was having that amount each day. I was so upset that I cried, but my parents being good parents restricted me, and in a couple of years I grew out of my apparent egg allergy. Now I eat eggs all the time with no problems.

Project 365 2014 – Day 107 – Something I’ve Learned

Day 17 - April Photo A Day - Something I've Learned

Day 17 – April Photo A Day – Something I’ve Learned

Lehninger was my very first (and very expensive) textbook I bought when I started uni, over 10 years ago now. I learned so much from this book, all of which I have forgotten now. At the moment I’m using it as a stand for my laptop to watch TV while I soak in the bath, waiting for this baby to come out.

Project 365 2014 – Day 106 – My Vice

Day 16 - April Photo A Day - My Vice

Day 16 – April Photo A Day – My Vice

Apart from food, my vice is spending way too much time in my laptop surfing the net. Pinterest is a particular favourite of mine at the moment to pass the time, torturing myself by looking at all the food I can’t be bothered making or can eat at the moment.

Project 365 2014 – Day 105 – I’m Reading This

Day 15 - April Photo A Day - I'm Reading This

Day 15 – April Photo A Day – I’m Reading This

So my due date has come and gone. I’m passing the time by eating sensibly, napping on the couch, watching bad TV, playing the Lego Movie game, and reading baby books I borrowed from the library. Most of the books are baby books and eating better. The ‘Slow Death By Rubber Duck’ is just to break up the baby obsession.

The doctors are letting me go for another week with monitoring because my blood sugar levels are good. I hope the little one comes soon.

Project 365 2014 – Day 104 – Dirty

Day 14 - April Photo A Day - Dirty

Day 14 – April Photo A Day – Dirty

So today’s D-day and it’s come and gone without incident. What makes it worse is that two other workmates have had their babies on my awesome due date, both who were due after me. So I had a bit of a cry about still being pregnant and uncomfortable and missing out on the awesome birthday for my daughter. 14/4/14 would have been pretty cool, but it wasn’t to be.

Project 365 2014 – Day 103 – More Please!

Day 103 - April Photo A Day - More Please!

Day 103 – April Photo A Day – More Please!

I found this amazing minty chocolate, but am limiting myself to only a couple of pieces each day as a treat. I can’t wait to eat normal chocolate again. Lucky I actually like dark chocolate, but would prefer the non sugar free kind. Also the caffeine probably isn’t too great for me either at the moment.

Project 365 2014 – Day 102 – On My Left

Day 12 - April Photo A Day - On My Left

Day 12 – April Photo A Day – On My Left

Sitting to the left of my bed is my hospital bag (well suitcase really), packed and ready to go, like it has been for weeks now. I’ve just used my little carry on suitcase with a polka dot ribbon tied around the handle to not get lost in the sea of suitcases when I’m travelling. At the moment though, it’s just sitting there, waiting to be used.

Project 365 2014 – Day 101 – 3 Of A Kind

Day 11 - April Photo A Day - 3 Of A Kind

Day 11 – April Photo A Day – 3 Of A Kind

3 sugary lollies I got from a baby shower I went to a few weeks ago, which I can’t eat until after I give birth because of the damned diabetes. So instead they just sit on my coffee table, mocking me. I don’t even like these ones, but I so want to eat one!